nerk nerk nerk

My spirits have been lifted! First there's this awesome guy who made a loop-based music machine that is controlled by a Wii controller. Check out the video. And he speaks French. I lay down my arms at your feet Amazing Rolo!

I was checking out the rest of his blog and found a link to the Internet Archive, which I forgot existed. I can't wait to go home and download some old Warner Bros. cartoons. Maybe I'll snag Battleship Potemkin while I'm at it.

The world isn't just a big pile of shit after all!

le coq qui pisse

In case you've been wondering, I'm doing a very good job dealing the colossally boring people that surround me in this office. It's like being crushed by avalanche of foam rocks. Having a conversation is like jogging through gelatin. After about two sentences I feel like fast forwarding. To summarize, relating with my coworkers is like watching a bunch of wind-up toys wobble around bonking into each other ad infinitum.

Writing this blog is like chopping off my leg to make an oboe out of my femur.

I think I'd like to do something fun, possibly ingesting stupefiants, this evening. With a strict drug regimen, I could fit right in here! Call 161-NIT-JOWL-8!!

phonespell

I found this radical site: phonespell.org. It changes your phone number (or any number) into words. For example, my number is 161-NIT-JOWL-8!! Now anybody can remember how to call me! That's 161-NIT-JOWL-8!! Remember folks, call 161-NIT-JOWL-8!!

It also works in reverse. So if you ever need to know the actual number for 1-800-CUM-BUTT, you're in luck! (It's 1-800-286-2888, FYI.)

cockle doodle doo

After calling numerous travel agencies, I finally bought a ticket to France. I've decided to hunt down and apprehend the French agent mentioned in my previous post. French agent, watch your back! I will endure the unforgiving elements of Southern France. I will unflinchingly submit to unfavorable exchange rates. I will eat undercooked beef without batting an eye! Nothing can stop me!


You may notice that something work related is written above the coq gaulois. Well it wasn't me, I can assure you. I spent most of the morning trying to convince myself that buying a Wii is an awfully childish thing to do.

Time is flying by! It's already 11:15! Soon I'll be 30. Shortly thereafter, I'll be dead. No matter... la vie est belle.

why I love the united states of freedom

We all know that there are some freedom-haters out there in the blogiverse, but it came as a complete surprise that real live Ahmadinejad-loving Al-Qaedanazis were reading MY blog. Need evidence? See for yourself!


Some French agent is prying into my liberties! This is about drawing a line in the sand, across this line you do not...!

Well, Madame or Monsieur Armes de Destruction-Massive, since you're probably too stupid to read English I'll show you why we stand united against your kind, and anything that gets in the way of free markets doing what they do best: making me fabulously wealthy!

Link

animatronic religious figures are people too

Audrey sez: "It's shameful!"

The ass, he stinks!

As I was going through my videos I found this from last Christmas.

i have to poop

The office is very quiet. Oftentimes I scarcely notice that there are human beings mere feet away from me. The walls between offices don't go all the way to the ceiling, so in theory, I should be hearing everything. But the people nearest to me don't seem to breathe, clear their throats, sneeze, or fart. Ever. All I hear is intermittent typing.

Instead, I usually hear Carl, who is at the opposite side of the room. Carl is a miracle worker. He can make forty sentences into one. He will have 3 conversations with you before you say a word. Listen, and marvel:



You can't really get a good sense for how long his monologues last. This video represents about 1/25 of the conversation.

i'm white and bored

I spend a lot of time drawing on my white board. Stealing this board from the deserted office a few doors down was an excellent decision. The first thing I drew was an absurdly elaborate flowchart to give people the impression I was designing a massively complicated program. Nobody seemed too impressed. Above is my second effort, which elicited many nervous chuckles from my coworkers. In the lower left corner is the user interface I'm designing.


I also pride myself in having 100% more jazz musicians pictured in my office than anyone else here. I have a competitive edge in the french stew advertisement market as well, though the volatility of the old french publicity space means that I'm on shakier ground for this quarter. It just takes one douchebag to put up a "Tournée du Chat Noir" poster. I guess I probably shouldn't be too worried.

This is for the troops

Yet another blog. Fans of my previous blog might enjoy this, though since I'm no longer living beyond my means with loose women in southern France I can't guarantee it's going to be quite as exciting. In fact, since I now spend my weekdays at an IT firm in West Michigan, this blog might very well be the antithesis to my last effort.

Maybe those of you who know me are wondering why I'm not using my real last name. Reason Number 1: That's the kind of son of a bitch I am. Reason Number 2: My last name is derived from the word for "stone" in French, and igneous rocks are totally my favorite type of stone. I'm a big fan of magma, and I really dig the fact that volcanic rock can be used for radiometric dating.

SO. Let's get this party started, and get ready to take it to the edge because this is about to be off the hook. WAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!