Don't fuck the gum label

Audrey's brother works and lives in Beijing. He brought back this printer-paper box. I had to take a picture, because the word fuck will always be funny.


He also brought back a bag of what looked like colorfully wrapped candies, but are in fact spicy dried beef. I still have a few if anyone wants to try one.

Washréal

Our east coast trip is coming to a close. Thank G-d, because I ran out of socks. Also, it's fucking freezing here in Montreal. We were sweating our balls (and ovaries) off in DC, but it was nice seeing all that shit again. The city seemed even more uptight than I expected. All vehicular traffic is blocked in front of the White House, and you can't walk in the street (the Secret Service clowns need to stand there). If you deviate from the sidewalk I imagine you'd get a taser rammed up your ass. I visited during the Clinton years and there wasn't any of that. I mean the White House is still another 300 yards away from the street for Pete's sake!


We went to the Holocaust Museum (AKA Lies) and the National Archives and the International Spy Museum.


Then we continued north to NY and stayed with my Uncle David in the east village. Audrey was pretty blown away. I'm afraid she prefers Manhatten over Grand Rapids. Bitch.


David spent tons of money entertaining us by getting us drunk. It was great.


We visited the UN. Took the tour. What a bunch of peacefags with their "resolutions" trying to fag up our foreign policy. We've got running the world covered over here. Thanks but no thanks.


We also saw a statue that the French were forced to give us because they knew that only giant gifts from time to time would keep us from coming over and kicking their asses.


It was a wonderful trip, but now I'm exhausted. Audrey wants us to go out and experience a bit more of Montreal, so I must go brave the cold.

Love,
Andrew

azerty

Look, it's me and Audrey.


This is our living room.


We are going to New York and Montreal next week.



Until next time, don't take my word for it.

I agree 100% Dick.

The Internet Hate Machine = Epic Corruption of LOL

I'm just doing it for the lulz.

Mourrons pour des idées, d'accord, mais de mort lente

Well, I'm back from France. Even though I told everybody I was going to blog about it, or at least send some emails to my loved ones, I did neither. I blame it on the augmented levels of ennui with anything other than stuffing oneself with rich food and wine that is associated with living in France. Indeed, I spent a hefty percentage of time in half-concious bliss after food-gasms and other-gasms. Otherwise I was soaking up the culture and history blah blah blah.


Near St Remy-de-Provence (the birthplace of Nostradamus) is the Roman site of Glanum. Look! I'm sitting on 2,000 year old crap! We did other things, including riding around in a little train through Marseille. Y'know, the train that you laugh at because it's filled with sun-burned Germans and fat Americans with giant baby blue shirts and khaki pants and fanny packs.


Audrey was very hesitant to do any travelling. I wanted to go to Barcelona, but there was always something that prevented us from goin. Later she admitted she was trying to save money to do travelling when she comes to the US. What about me? sez I. When is then next time I'm going to be in Europe? Well actually, I guess if I keep up this rate, that would be in 6 months. Still a bit disappointing.

Hopefully we will go to Brazil together and see Alida in Bahia. By then I'm sure she will be giving round-house kicks to the face like a pro (Bahia being the home of capoeira). Check out her blog: liderhosen.

God bless (it)

NO kind a man

OK, it's been long enough. You ain't no kind of man if you don't update your blog regularly. Here's what's new:

Well, I have a degree in Anthro-"whatcha gon' do with that"-pology, which my family thought was worth about 1,000 dollars. (I still need to write those thank you notes!)

In two weeks I'll go to Toronto, where I'll fly to Montreal, then Paris. One three-hour ride on the TGV later, I'll be in Provence.

I'm looking or an apartment for when Audrey comes. It looks like there are tons of options. I already found a pretty nice one downtown for 600 bucks including utilities.

I saw The Lives of Others at the UICA. I liked it, though I think I got way too absorbed into it, possibly due to my weakened state from the previous day's revelries. The film suffers from some redundant scenes, included to make sure everyone understands what's going on. I envied the main character's apartment.

Outside my window I see rabbits, ducks, and hundreds of red winged blackbirds. Work is very odd. I suppose I should be praising the gods for this easy 15 bucks an hour, yet I want a raise.



UmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmK.

Wahhh!

I don't wanna work! I want my coworkers to be a little less stupid, but not so smart that they're threatening ;-). I want people to tell me when they disagree with things I say. Be able to argue a point without getting huffy. I don't want to be an arrogant ass.

I want to be in the Bouches-du-Rhône right now. Pourquoi tu n'es pas dans mes bras?

Why doesn't the US celebrate May Day? It comes from Chicago for chrissake, so why don't we remember the Haymarket Martyrs? Why is our labor day just another occasion to get drunk and eat hot dogs?

I want Wolfowitz to go down, I want Gonzalez to go down, I want the whole Administration to go down in flames. They are bad people. Bad!

IDIOTS

Here's a story about a 66 year old Canadian psychotherapist being banned from entry to the US for having wrote about his LSD experiences from when he was 27.

I didn't read the whole thing, but what I did read made me nauseous. Just another reason to support the ACLU.

No One Can Defeat The Quad Laser

Well, I saw the Aqua Teen movie, and it pretty much sucked. The hard rock psa at the the very beginning was great, and the mooninites were great as usual, but the rest was very "meh." Perhaps my sobriety was the problem. It should have been a half hour.



Otherwise, it's starting to heat up, meaning that Persephone seems to have finally got her lazy ass off her throne in Hades. It's like she came up, then realized she forgot to take her clothes out of the washer, so she went back to Hades, where she found that somebody forgot to tie up Cerberus, and now he's probably somewhere in the neighborhood rolling around in garbage. After she finally found him, a new episode of Lost came on, which she really wanted to watch. Etc. etc. this isn't very funny. The point is, Persephone is smokin'!

Just because we're bereaved doesn't make us saps!!

Kurt Vonnegut is dead.

My Dad was a huge Vonnegut fan, and I read many of his books as a teenager. I tore through them, sacrificing sleep to finish them. They were easy to read and very rewarding, kicking me face first into terrible, hilarious worlds of awesome beauty and ugliness. He was a man who understood that life could be both sublime and terribly depressing at once, but ultimately his work showed me that creative forces can make it worth living. His wit will not be forgotten anytime soon.

Boing Boing: Link 1, Link 2

technology!!!!

I just made a flickr account.

les heros sont les petits voleurs

As it happens, turning beet-red will momentarily shut Bill O'Reilly up! (Warning: this link might make you not want to kick Geraldo in the balls.)

Also, I am not a beauf, or a boeuf, or "bof!"

Alright, time to be productive. America is a great country because of our impeccable work ethic. Let's not let the immigrants/terrorists win.

like a ripe peach

Since I'm feeling drunk, to be frank, I'm posting an old Flash animation I did about a week after 9/11/01. Enjoy!

with a rusty spoon.

So I see The New York Times has run a fascinating story about global warming (after first going to bugmenot to sign in as "haxOr").

Now, of course a part of me is glad that global warming is getting a lot of press these days, but another part of me wants to start crying and have a conniption fit on the floor and scream "NO FUCKING SHIT!! WE KNEW THIS AT LEAST 25 YEARS AGO!!! I GUESS YOU MISSED THE MEMO!! Now please saw your own urethra in half with a rusty spoon, and die in a flaming pile of cancer."

Then we have the whole rigamarole of "oh, well it wasn't CERTAIN before" or "we couldn't say for SURE before" and "hmm, maybe would should form a committee to look into possibly attaching some magical device to the smokestacks of our coal power plants..." or "I promise to reduce emmisions significantly by 2050, y'know, when there really won't be much oil left to burn."

And now the story is that it will be once again the poor who bear the brunt of harmful climate change. Well that's another non-obvious and very insightful observation that any 6th grader couldn't have told you 15 years ago. There's only one word to describe the way I feel right now. Fuck.

My feet are cold. I'm turning up the heat.

well sometimes, I just don't know

Since I'm always the first to own the newest bleeding edge technologies, I got a webcam! You can see if I'm on skype and we can video conference (username: aixellent).

Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on the affirmative, don't mess with Mr. In Between.

I like white space.

• I hate new houses.
  
• I hate guys with military haircuts.
  
• I hate giant pick-up trucks.
  
• I hate shiny button-down shirts.
  
• I hate most perfume.
  
• I hate giant watches.
  
• I hate waiters/waitresses who interrupt a conversation to ask how everything is doing.
  
• I hate people with no principles.
  
• I hate people with too many principles.
  
• I love complaining.
  

nerk nerk nerk

My spirits have been lifted! First there's this awesome guy who made a loop-based music machine that is controlled by a Wii controller. Check out the video. And he speaks French. I lay down my arms at your feet Amazing Rolo!

I was checking out the rest of his blog and found a link to the Internet Archive, which I forgot existed. I can't wait to go home and download some old Warner Bros. cartoons. Maybe I'll snag Battleship Potemkin while I'm at it.

The world isn't just a big pile of shit after all!

le coq qui pisse

In case you've been wondering, I'm doing a very good job dealing the colossally boring people that surround me in this office. It's like being crushed by avalanche of foam rocks. Having a conversation is like jogging through gelatin. After about two sentences I feel like fast forwarding. To summarize, relating with my coworkers is like watching a bunch of wind-up toys wobble around bonking into each other ad infinitum.

Writing this blog is like chopping off my leg to make an oboe out of my femur.

I think I'd like to do something fun, possibly ingesting stupefiants, this evening. With a strict drug regimen, I could fit right in here! Call 161-NIT-JOWL-8!!

phonespell

I found this radical site: phonespell.org. It changes your phone number (or any number) into words. For example, my number is 161-NIT-JOWL-8!! Now anybody can remember how to call me! That's 161-NIT-JOWL-8!! Remember folks, call 161-NIT-JOWL-8!!

It also works in reverse. So if you ever need to know the actual number for 1-800-CUM-BUTT, you're in luck! (It's 1-800-286-2888, FYI.)

cockle doodle doo

After calling numerous travel agencies, I finally bought a ticket to France. I've decided to hunt down and apprehend the French agent mentioned in my previous post. French agent, watch your back! I will endure the unforgiving elements of Southern France. I will unflinchingly submit to unfavorable exchange rates. I will eat undercooked beef without batting an eye! Nothing can stop me!


You may notice that something work related is written above the coq gaulois. Well it wasn't me, I can assure you. I spent most of the morning trying to convince myself that buying a Wii is an awfully childish thing to do.

Time is flying by! It's already 11:15! Soon I'll be 30. Shortly thereafter, I'll be dead. No matter... la vie est belle.

why I love the united states of freedom

We all know that there are some freedom-haters out there in the blogiverse, but it came as a complete surprise that real live Ahmadinejad-loving Al-Qaedanazis were reading MY blog. Need evidence? See for yourself!


Some French agent is prying into my liberties! This is about drawing a line in the sand, across this line you do not...!

Well, Madame or Monsieur Armes de Destruction-Massive, since you're probably too stupid to read English I'll show you why we stand united against your kind, and anything that gets in the way of free markets doing what they do best: making me fabulously wealthy!

Link

animatronic religious figures are people too

Audrey sez: "It's shameful!"

The ass, he stinks!

As I was going through my videos I found this from last Christmas.

i have to poop

The office is very quiet. Oftentimes I scarcely notice that there are human beings mere feet away from me. The walls between offices don't go all the way to the ceiling, so in theory, I should be hearing everything. But the people nearest to me don't seem to breathe, clear their throats, sneeze, or fart. Ever. All I hear is intermittent typing.

Instead, I usually hear Carl, who is at the opposite side of the room. Carl is a miracle worker. He can make forty sentences into one. He will have 3 conversations with you before you say a word. Listen, and marvel:



You can't really get a good sense for how long his monologues last. This video represents about 1/25 of the conversation.

i'm white and bored

I spend a lot of time drawing on my white board. Stealing this board from the deserted office a few doors down was an excellent decision. The first thing I drew was an absurdly elaborate flowchart to give people the impression I was designing a massively complicated program. Nobody seemed too impressed. Above is my second effort, which elicited many nervous chuckles from my coworkers. In the lower left corner is the user interface I'm designing.


I also pride myself in having 100% more jazz musicians pictured in my office than anyone else here. I have a competitive edge in the french stew advertisement market as well, though the volatility of the old french publicity space means that I'm on shakier ground for this quarter. It just takes one douchebag to put up a "Tournée du Chat Noir" poster. I guess I probably shouldn't be too worried.

This is for the troops

Yet another blog. Fans of my previous blog might enjoy this, though since I'm no longer living beyond my means with loose women in southern France I can't guarantee it's going to be quite as exciting. In fact, since I now spend my weekdays at an IT firm in West Michigan, this blog might very well be the antithesis to my last effort.

Maybe those of you who know me are wondering why I'm not using my real last name. Reason Number 1: That's the kind of son of a bitch I am. Reason Number 2: My last name is derived from the word for "stone" in French, and igneous rocks are totally my favorite type of stone. I'm a big fan of magma, and I really dig the fact that volcanic rock can be used for radiometric dating.

SO. Let's get this party started, and get ready to take it to the edge because this is about to be off the hook. WAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!